Moaning and Weeping in this Valley of Tears

Well mostly moaning, for you won't see a real conservative weeping. When you're right, there's nothing to cry about. But that hasn't stopped Stevie Wonder and the gang who run the Great White North Inc from feeling blue that 'nobody likes Canada' at the UN. After 6 years of acting like assholes and backing the 'greatest force for good on earth', no matter what stupidity it decided to do, Canada's UN reps are all depressed that their 'trade trinkets' of maple syrup and Avril Lavigne posters didn't garner them a podium spot at the Security Council.

So to-day it's called, 'We gotta blame somebody and it sure as hell ain't us." The somebody in question, why that would be the United StaKes of America, of course. Not that they blackballed anybody - like back when somebody nominated that evildoer Chavez. It more like they failed to 'go to bat' for the good guys - like the time when they bankrolled Guatemala to get that seat away from the evildoer Chavez. Yes, the dirty Dems in Washington wouldn't countenance a voice of sanity at the Security Council and allowed the Portugese (weren't they in the slave trade at one time?) to win. And those Portugals weren't even passing out the Madiera! They were just acting like it didn't matter and hadn't lined up written committments from most of the General Assembly, and verbal comments from the others who aren't communists or anti-semites, or nothing. And THEY WON????

Quelle embareassment as 'they' say in Shawinigan.

I'm inclined to think that there was witchcraft involved. Like how could so many committments change their minds? It could only have been a spell cast by that US ambassatrix Ann Rice. When you write books about vampires, maybe you shouldn't be sitting in the UN. It's remarkable that she bears such a strong resemblence to Condoleeza Rice, must be that shape-shifting.

Larry Canyon, ambassadeur deluxe and foreign minister, tells a funny tale about rice. Once when a lad at UCC, he had the occasion to be involved in some hijinks before vespers with a rather wealthy individual - whom we'll nickname "Spanky" and the only person of the coloured persuasion at UCC, other than one of the janitors, whom we'll recall, as he was called, "Buckwheat". Now it just so happened that the pre -vesper pillowfight was underway in quarters when things got a little out of hand. At the end of some rough and tumble when Spanky was applying some hearty noogies to the back of Buckwheat's cranium, he happened to remark " EEEEW, Buckie you've got rice in your hair!"

It was simultaneously observed that these weren't rice, they were nits and that Buckwheat had 'cooties'. Well, Spanky, let up and ran for the showers, as did most of the other protagonists. What followed was a protracted session of scrubbing and shampooing that Larry admits has coloured his perspctive to this day. And that is why he wasn't getting too close to 'Vampirella', or giving her any Maple syrup either, after all the Americans bought that industry, too, some while ago.

We won't even mention the Africans, or Asians or those hook-nosed relations of the Chosen People who didn't vote for us. We did get the nod from Israel, and Georgia. We're pretty sure the Haitians voted for us and the Colombians as well. Surely to goodness our NATO allies would have cast their ballot our way. With all the friends we've got, it's going to be hard to figure out just who backstabbed us.

But you have to admire Steve's perspective, as he whistfully tickled 'Let a Smile Be Your Umbrella' out of the ivories he vowed to stay the course, to be the same old asshole we've all come to respect, and pilot the ship of state, onward, to sunlit uplands.