Big Bro and the Holdup Co.

Do you ever stop to think that what passes for "news" is really a contrived 'reality TV script' being run out? I mean look at the media - it's getting more and more like a Jabeau industries thing every day. These guys are truly scattered!

They go nuts on a daily basis or, in a hyper period, more often. Last week it was War and Hezbolleh rockets. Three days ago airline terrorism and to-day they're obsessing about JonBenet's supposed killer. Tomorrow Kim Sung Il is due for a rerun and around the end of the month they're featuring Iran. The only thing that will upset this applecart is another hurricane, flood or fire of biblical proportions anywhere.

It may be hard for some to believe but the whole of the American news media is run from a second-floor walk-up in an industrial park in the east end of DePew, New York. 'Scenarios Unlimited' is a three-man operation founded by Mike Wahlowitz after he graduated with a certificate in Journalism and Advertising Arts from the 'School des Beaux Arts' in Niagara Falls, Canada.

"My friends Wally and Alicia, and a whole bunch of old Saturday Night Live tapes gave us the idea. Like if they can make you believe in a Ninja bartender or a Bass-o-matic they can make you believe in anything, right?" After the trio discovered that, there was no looking back.

A steady stream, of successful advertising campaigns followed. Some of the most notable were the series for the retirees of Enron and how happy they were. Another is the current DOW chemical campaign to make sure people think there are actual human beings at Dow chemicals. It's outstanding! Totally believable!

Lately, however, their business has become more involved with a three-year contract to the US Govenment press service to generate 'coverage' of world events.

The Israeli-Lebanon war was 75 percent controlled from the office. "We scripted it and passed it off to the Israelis and Hezbolla. Those guys were great. You want footage of a dibber strike at 11:00, Monday - set up ya camera and the footage will be in editing while you're having lunch. Anderson Cooper? A 'Scenarios' walk-on. "Boy that guy almost worked his AZZ off. Lebanon one day, Israel the next. And nobody ever wondered how he was getting in and out of Lebanon. Israeli helicopters, stupid - like the bombs, right on time.

"It was pretty good for a month. Right?" asks Wahlowitz. He obviously takes great pride in having things come off as planned. "Alicia's our details person and it don't hurt that her aunt's an Israeli cabinet minister and her cousin's having an affair with the French foreign minister."

"Anyhow we're really busy with the JonBenet killer stuff - he's a real killer to look at,ain't he. Sort of like a young Hannibal Lector - his arms are even the same length. But it's all bullshoi anyway."

"Bush is coming back from vacation next week and he wants Iraq celebrating the Shu'um al Ramba'an, a new back-to-school holiday. He also wants us to get Nasrallah and that Iranian we invented, Ademinedab, assassinated, or brain-damaged in a fake motorcycle/boating/RV accident. He thought it would be more credible if they took holidays, too. We have to get somebody assassinated, or at least a TV show about it. We could get the Patriot Riders to do it. They're a bunch of new age bikers who show up at military funerals to shout "OOOhah" at those Christian protest freaks - they hate anything that's not american - except some expensive european bikes, or dykes."

"But first we have to do a bit on how Kim Jung Il has stolen all the food relief and fed it to his army so they can put some weight back on. After that he'll be threatening to nuke Taiwan unless he gets some MacDonalds. He's going to have to settle for Burger Kings, because MacDonalds and Wendy's only operate in a democracy."

"In between times we'll be covering a family of cannibals who have maintained their ideal body weight for over 15 years without exercising. We also have a really interesting story about a dog who can sniff out exraterrestials. I just love the news!"